Non-existence ideation

“What a world
In which make so many are made to both fear and beg for death
Just as many punished for seeking or providing it or even speaking it’s name.
Kinda like sex.

ISO Euthenasia support for a lifelong ritual abuse electronic trafficking victim, I’ve been through enough and I can’t get the help I need alone.”

A week passed and even her online busking for death support garnered no engagement.

X had things she’d wanted to say before she died. She couldn’t reach anyone, and she was broken from all her trying. So she posted it publicly, tired and fed up, ready to die on her hill. Every classified ad outcry read like a crackpot test example,

“A dying wish as a list of complex apologies and forgiveness:

please share with those named, as algorithm suppression will bury it without community support

Forward: As I plan my exit, this incomplete task weighs on my conscience. (Please note im seeking legal death so dont bother calling me in to armed forces) As I believe that none of us will ever make it out of this state of crisis without honest complex explained claims and apologies, I hope that others will follow suit with their own awakening to wrong doing and the need to atone for their own freedom as well as those harmed. You will find the time period relative to the time my free range enforced confinement got its beefy upgrade. You are all more significant than you have been made to feel. So is everything you choose and do. On the other side of these apologies I believe you would find nobody to blame, and that the opportunity for accountability is a gift despite how it has been framed by a punitive system. A gift which i have been consistently denied despite great efforts. Free your secrets & your shame. Find forgiveness in our collective guilt. We are only as sick as our secrets… and our secrets may in fact be shit we are holding for someone else.

General apology: because of what my relative and his affiliates and the larger system of oppression they operate under (and the smaller ones under them) have done to me as an infant and child, an adolescent became an adult with the deceptive appearance of self awareness. I did not know as you do not, that I had and have an extremely covert form of masking Dissociative Identity Disorder as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which continued to mutate under ongoing unseen trauma that followed and formed me as a member of an Illicit High Focus Group. Additional terms that apply are RAMCOA (Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, Organized Abuse), Coercive Control, Social (and other forms of Human) engineering, human trafficking, grooming, Mind rape and the like. This means that what you saw in me was never what was. This is further complicated by the obfuscated matter of fraud i have lived under my whole life (although to call it fraud is a grave oversimplification), so i have multiple identities within me an external from me, which are run by said traffickers. Nobody, including my parents, lovers, comrades, doctors, and for the most part myself could ever see through it, so you are not to blame. But I’d like to correct the record. I was encouraged to blame the wrong people (including myself) as I was continually targeted by unseen perpetrators. I was as desperate to make sense of this ever growing, tortuous pain as you were when you blamed me. I am as sorry for destroying my own credibility, trust in humanity and safety as I am for damaging yours. I didn’t know. Now I do and so it seems, it’s too late. But here’s my final offering, i lay myself as sacrifice. Please see the excuses as partial to the apologies rather than in contradiction. If you ever seek your own amends, I think you’ll find yourself hoping for cause to count as well.

To anyone who feels deserving of an apology who goes without naming: I would be sorry for exposing you to the pain I’m in but that’s actually quite out of my control and it stands to reason that my greater fault may have been in downplaying my distress. When it comes to real reactive abuse, i absolutely am sorry. Aside from this, if I can’t see how I could have done better, and see that you did me more harm over misinterpretations you slated me with, you won’t likely be named. I want my apologies to mean something, knowing by now that my words often mean worse than nothing at all. I’ve been blamed mostly for things I’m innocent of and am trying hard not to apologize for them. I of course will always regret being ineffective in all my best intentions, but to those regrets there are too many to name. There will also be those who I have forgotten (extreme trauma🤞memory loss). Please take my word for it: If I did in fact do you wrong, I am in fact sorry about it. But chances are there’s another missing option as to why you felt harmed, as was the case for me. I never, ever wanted to hurt anyone, no matter how I understand it may have seemed from outside of my torture chamber. Also, I’m really sorry if any of my impersonations got money from you.

LJ: I’m sorry you were caught in the cross-hairs and that I lied about letting Josh drive your van that morning. I was scared that this would be used to blame me, as it was anyways when Kenan “just happened” to drive by. Nevertheless the breaks had been cut. I’m sorry I blamed you for lying about how much to charge me for your insurance increases when I assumed the blame (knowing i was innocent) when I didn’t know that we were both the victims of fraud and other things.

LW: I’m sorry we were relegated to competition when we were both different victims of similar programs which hypersexualized and misdirected both of us to prime us to be trafficked and blamed.

JL: they hit you very hard for trying to assume care and control of my case. I still don’t understand why you attacked me but I trust they gave you a very convincing reason, needing to assure that you backed off. You nearly saved my life. Thank you and I’m sorry for blaming you for the harm enacted through you. It’s not your fault. I’m sorry for reaching out to 2 rivers to call out the perceived hypocrisy of your reactive abuse in contrast to my being indigenous to the country, and your not being, I see now how this has harmed potential for true allyship. You tried harder for me than anyone. Bless you for that.

LM: I’m sorry that time and again you were put in the position of calling in armed forces to incarcerate me for my outcry. Presumably, like mine and jasmine, your integrity and potential for influence was very high and needed to be knocked down. I forgive you for turning blinded eyes, and I’m sorry I blamed you as though you knew in true context what you were doing. You could not have possibly. Thank you for watching Haku, please get him away from the city, ideally back with Amos Mercier.

KF: I’m supremely sorry for falling for the setup to blame you while I didn’t know our messages and my access to information had been intercepted. You know this and have accepted it, but let the public record show (as you are not one for proclamations as I am, and i have learned that when as targeted as we are that self defense is never enough) that although I never lied, and it was not psychosis, I was supremely wrong and did you wrong. It is a painful shame that has dreaded me every day since i found out. You are a warrior and healer and in every way better than you have been treated. Bless your child and family. I will watch out for her and all of you if there is another side to this.

DC: I’m sorry for falling for the narcissist-trap when you turned your back on me as you did. I see now that I am impossible to love, beyond how broken I am and on to who broke me, who targeted you when you got too close. Thank you for caring for Haku when caring for me no longer seemed to be an option, please get him away from the city, get his chip removed if you can. Please be notified that your computers are hacked and so is everything that you do on them. Protect your dome, bro. Or they could well make a puppet out of you, too. I know you don’t believe me now, but maybe as more evidence of our nation’s horrific secrets arise, you might.

PH: I’m just so sorry for what they did to you, what they did to anyone who tried to help me. But when it comes to matters of electronic abuse, epileptics get the lyons share. I now have the good conscience not to seek help, though i doubt that to be a comfort to either of us

DR: you treated me like shit, it’s true, but I was wrong to think you knew the gravity of it all in context. When Google ratted you out for cheating, that should have been my first clue, but I didn’t think I mattered enough to interfere with, like you probably don’t. The truth is we were both being framed. You may be chaotic and uncaring at times, but your gifts outweigh them considerably. I’m sorry for taking your unwillingness to face the claims against you as proof of your guilt when I see now that you were disempowered in regard to serious conversation and restorative social justice practices. You were almost as much of a scapegoat as I would become. For my part in it, it’s hard to deny that I deserve the hellfire that has come upon me in retaliation. Hard except that I never wanted you to be exiled and hunted as I have, I just wanted you to to say sorry and stop hurting people. I see in you now as I see in myself, that we don’t know how and that nobody is showing us. I see that for you to admit wrong doing or submit to a conversation centering accountability was a much greater danger to you than I recognized before I recognized the trend of ideological persecution that our world was leading into. Please know that I’ve paid for my trespasses, I believe you have too, though it’s a shame that none of these costs went towards remediation of any kind. I am sorry and I forgive you. Everyone is just doing the best they can, the best they know how, with what they’ve got ( which isn’t enough). you have my permission, not that you ever needed it, to claim that of my writing which you liked. I see now that it was not you who was to blame for the ongoing theft of my ideas (i dont suppose youve ever heard of intellectual trafficking), you were just the only apparent perpatrator I could access. It’d happened to me so much that when I finally caught you doing it, you became my scapegoat for all of it. In general, I think intellectual property is a theft trap laid by these traffickers. Fuck it, I say. Steal each other’s music rather than let them do it. Not that anyone cares what I think or say anymore…

JW:
I see now as I did not see then, that between your illiteracy of consent language at the time and my ignorance of my fragmented shifting identities coupled with having been groomed for rather extreme sexual magnetism, that it was absolutely unfair to expect for you to know how to read the situation appropriately. Yes, I told you very clearly that I was too depressed to consent and that for you to spend time with me that needed to be understood accepted. In truth I was too dissociated to consent and you didn’t stand a chance at knowing what that meant compared to the vacant plaything you arrived to. You still should not have assumed. That was wrong of you. But you’d probably never heard of a woman who’d been rendered incapable of saying no, essentially traumatized anamatronic sex dolls. We are legion. I’m sorry and I forgive you for not knowing how to take my word for it. I understand now that the literacy expectations of consent culture under coercion were designed to make villains of us all. I would do it all so much differently if I had known then what I know now. If you ever wished me to suffer consequences, I promise you that I have.

J : I’m sorry I accused you of rape when in such a bereaved state. In my defense, Google told me that stealthing a condom was rape. As I understand it, it factually is. However, I understand it to be relatively common practice and that you did not know or intend it to be rape, and that does matter. I understand now that this instance falls under the political violence enacted to weaponize men and women against each other, to create the perception of a violent unsafe world which may eventually beg for totalitarian control to be saved from itself. So I saw you as rapist, and you saw me as some crazy bitch trying to ruin your life. I’m truly sorry to have allowed myself to be weaponized against a lover and my own self in such a way. I do hope you check in with your other partners before removing a condom, lest the cycle perpetuate. People are out here getting decimated over less.

TH: I’m sorry for blaming you for turning your back on me, you could not have known what was being done to me. You barely knew me and I didn’t know that all my relationships meant way more to me than they did to the other participants (referring to my life in plain sight isolation) even if you did try to help, you would have been made into collateral and I would have had to be sorry for that too and you’d hate me even more. I suppose some people really should not be helped… just, in my case, for different reasons than you think.

RC: sorry for telling your wife. Turns out I really was very mature for my age, and a total trap.

AN: sorry for telling your wife. You were a dick about the whole thing, but I was taking something much bigger out on you. I didn’t know. I’m sorry for more than I can say. I hope she thought I was just some crazy bitch like everyone else does.

MM: I’m sorry for crediting your complaints with my being canceled. I genuinely don’t understand what you think I did to deserve the slander and slut shaming you did enact but I trust you were encouraged very convincingly by the powers actually running my smear campaign. I’m sorry I responded with slander of my own. I hope you can see that it worked harder against me than it did against you, but nonetheless, for my part, albeit excessively provoked, disinformed and duressed, I am sorry. If I had known the level of interference we were facing, I would have just tried to talk to you.

ADB: sorry I stole your phone, I should have suspected what it showed me to be potential for fraud. For the record, what it showed me was a chatlog of you, Sabina Dennis and Chanwell Billiwog Stew coordinating to stalk me and torment me. So much for hunting child traffickers, huh? (They were using you to fuck with grown victims. Ex. Me) I tried to go to police. They refused to take it or a statement. I meant to return it but they stole it, Like they stole everything.

TT: I am sorry for blaming you for covering for my being drugged that night. It is so much more complicated than it seemed to me from the cognitive limits of the duress I was under. It may well not have been the guy you found on camera anyways and I would hate to think of prosecuting an innocent, so in a way you may have saved us from far worse fates. It’s not like cops do good on these claims anyways. It turns out, with the forces I live under, the poison may have been of a very different nature. I’m just sorry I blamed you for the nightmare I was being made to live through and want you to know I respect your integrity. I feel you handled it quite similarly to how I might have, had I been outside of the targeted position, though I would have done more to follow up with the victim, especially at my own event, especially if they were my friend, and wish that you would in the future. I am nevertheless sorry for blaming you and forgive you for blaming me, I see now what an unsympathetic character I have been outside of the context which you nor anyone else possibly could have had at the time. I was the common denominator to so many abuse claims and there was no available precedent to lend to any different interpretation than a false accuser. Ironically on that front, I have been mostly* falsely accused. (* where my accusations were false, they were nevertheless very honest, just, wrong in their interpretations, which were being manipulated through the control of information i received over my entire life.)

To my brothers: wherever I might be wrong about what you’ve done, I’m sorry. Wherever I might be right, turn yourselves in. You aren’t protecting yourselves, you’re protecting him. He’s not protecting himself, he’s protecting them, and so on. He has made your lives lonely and miserable as he’s done to our father. It makes you all very easy to control. You could be free if you could stop hiding his secrets dressed up as your own. You were children. It’s not your fault. He tried to blackmail me for how he abused me, too. All you have to be is sorry, and you’re forgiven. Everyone knows you’re good under what has been done to you. You can make it up to me by making sure I have a funeral and that everyone I’ve named gets a fair chance to attend, but I forgive you even if you’re to scared and ashamed to do it. It might be the battered woman talking, but I forgive you.

Dad : I know you expect an apology for what he convinced you I did. I didn’t. You didn’t. I never said that and I never would because it never happened and all parts of me take that shit seriously. I forgive you for your reactive abuse, you maintained impressive integrity considering what he was doing to you. You deserve so much better than the life he made for you. We all do.

Mom : I’m sorry for expecting you to protect me, now that I see the odds stacked against you, I see that you didn’t stand a chance. The slander was a bit much, but I understand, as with so many others, you probably thought it was your reputation or mine and you know all too well that what people think is a matter of survival.

NL: I’m sorry for not giving you more context, for not fighting harder for you to see me, but your rejection shattered me and I couldn’t take the risk of fighting for you. You would gave just called me abusive. I wish I would have just let you, now that I know that this word means nothing compared to those who define it.

Jewlia Hundal: I’m sorry I couldn’t find you. I tried everything. Drove all over the Okanagan, tried to track down your relatives, nothing worked. I can’t help but think it’s because you were the only one who might have saved me. For that, in my mind, I’ll miss you and bear the most

KS: I’m sorry I’m not going to fight for you to hear who he really is and what he’s really done. I can’t, it hurts too much to be treated like the abuser for calling them out and I’m barely surviving it against my own will at this point. But if you ever want to open your eyes & look, it’s there. Start talking and there’s even more. It’ll fucking hurt and there will be deterrents but it’s all there, even without my testimony. All you guys would literally have to do is have a frank conversation about it to know for yourselves. Stop protecting him. It’s actually not protecting him like you think. He’s a child victim too, this is what they become when they get “protected” from accountability. Keep that in mind when your kids do bad things, as they have undoubtedly already been encouraged to do.

Etc. Friends harmed & weaponized by the lies: I forgive you. These fucks have collected data on me my whole life. They knew how to spin a convincing counterfeit narrative. I don’t have a clue what they convinced you I did to deserve how you treated me but, you were my friends, and you are good, intelligent people, I know you would never have done it without an excuse. Bevan, if you still live with Darby, please gtfo. He is dangerous. They’ve got your numbers, too. No ancestor could have prepared us for being manipulated on this level. This is new.

KH: I’m sorry for taking it out on you. I didn’t know how big and invisible and deadly it was. I’m sorry if whatever I said hurt you.

CR: I’m sorry for turning up at your house in literal rags that day, must have freaked you and your friends right out… it was just one of the only valid addresses left that I could remember. I know if you could have known you would have helped me. I know if I could have known that I never would have asked.

MR: I’m sorry for my misdirected rage when you kicked me out over whatever narrative they spun around my victimized intensity for you. Thank you for your softness when you found me in your yard and for the reference you were willing to provide. You are not the harmful coward I thought you were when I didn’t know what a burden I, or the forces that followed me, were. You were a good friend to a strange lonely kid when you were, and you did better by me than anyone else would have expected.

JB: I’m sorry for thinking you guys rebuffed me and these claims on purpose, as though you saw the big picture, as though you were the big picture. That was stupid of me. The fact that you showed me any kindness at all the day I left seems a testament to your integrity. You saw things from another side of the setup, I wish I knew how to take your stance for something closer to what it was. A sort of wisdom in indifference. You and the boys were as victim as the girls felt they were. I’ll always wish we could have known how to cooperate effectively, but that knowledge had been withheld from us.

CG: I’m sorry for thinking you were involved in the isolation I was facing. As though you blamed me for Leo’s choice to cut you out over Sophie’s claims and saw me as an easy opt to pay the price. I overestimated your sight and power over the circumstances I had been forced to live with. It was stupid of me, though to my own defense, it really had been set up to look that way, just as I have been set up to look like so many things to so many others. I blamed you for punishing me and assaulting another on a claim that turned out to be just as flimsy and so I retaliated in kind with what i believed and i was wrong. I have paid in kind for so many other flimsy beliefs about me, for whatever its worth. I am embarrassed, ashamed, and apologetic, even where you may have guilt of your own. I’m sorry. You were my friend. I really did just want us to sit down and talk it out to try to reduce harm, didn’t know a human trafficking network was gonna have a problem with that.

Further condolences & regards extended to everyone else. i love you all regardless, and truly anyone else who ever dared to try me, whom i regret to have been so trying to. If you would like your name removed, please request it rather than have my dying words removed, though I should probably suspect they will be anyways unless it can be used for even further propaganda in my name.

I suspect I will miss you all less in death than I have been from this half life. You all matter more than you think. I won’t be hurting anyone else, but please stay vigilante as the people who used me for harm do not share my ethics, they’ve already been looking into you and they do not leave anyone they can use behind. I kept trying to stave my death to make a complete account, but everytime I try it gets stolen, distorted or destroyed. So all you get is this rough draft and whatever they allowed to remain online, on a thin prayer that it gets received as written. I cannot keep going on like this. Pleased to be brought to life through my songs which I encourage you to copy from my recent posts.

Don’t punch Nazis
They are both victims and weapons.
Like hostages strapped to chairs with the guns and the masks of their captors.
Disarm & rehabilitate them.
There is so much more to be gained from Transformative justice. Please stop tearing each other down, no matter the charge. We need each other, truly now more than ever. We need real rehabilitation. Or, you guys do, I’ve tried my whole life only to make everything worse, I’m admitting defeat and begging for a merciful execution. Call me a coward, I’ll laugh my way to the grave, drunk on the irony. Your world now, do or don’t whatever you want with it, I’m outtie.

Expect as many more writings as I’m inclined to provide between now and then. Nothing to lose, nothing to hide now.”

X was met mostly with hatred and misunderstanding, mixed with pale condolences, the very things that had been ushering her to the exit. She came to find she did not qualify to get made, as she’d relied upon, having too many reservations for any other option. She had more pressure than ever to escape, but could not. Her comrade came to aid with distraction and her desperate desire dulled and depressed under the blunt force of her circumstances.

“It’s not as though I expected to be saved by yesterday’s honesty,

But I probably should have expected being torn to shreds with blind criticism, devalidation & blame for being in extreme pain.

It’s just this effect I have, i guess…. or, “we”, I guess, fragmentation provided to you by being torn to shreds with blind criticism, devalidation & blame for being in extreme pain.

Please resist kicking down at someone for doing their best through difficulties you could scarcely imagine even if you tried.

I’ll do better at dodging misfiring backlash over my [exit from existence] testimony. It remains more important than petty feelings about it.

People, children are being hunted and trafficked, given designer disorders (engineered) in front of you without you knowing that even when they cry for help and tell you in detail.
That’s a big fucking deal.
Stands to reason you still don’t believe it.
But when I [exit from existence], I’ll do it knowing I gave you a chance, hoping it’s a reference point for claims I pray do make it to an honorable court someday. Unfortunately trying has been torture that has been partial to inducting me into a side of this world which is truly unbearable.

I’ll stop announcing my exit now and go back to regular poetic/artistic iterations of my screams until my due date comes.
I am releived to know I have said what I feared I would never be allowed to, what i felt needed to be said. Even if I can trust it won’t be heard, that’s out of my hands, i know i gave that chance. I know I stood by what I really believed in to the last – including that Victims Deserve Relief.

If the country won’t protect us, and the people won’t protect us, not even from their own hatred, let it be however we can get it.

Fuck normalizing prolonged coping with inhumane suffering where relief could reasonably be afforded.
Fuck expecting that from anyone.”

X, being the only one whoever came to her defence, could do so with a fury, on the odd occasion on which she was able.

“I’ve been consumed with [non-existence ideation] variably since I was 5 years old, it’s what happens to children who go through the kind of violence that has been my whole life.
It’s funny how it became partial to the grooming and abuse. Funny how every time that I managed not to die, instead of proving profound strength and perseverance, I proved that I was a fkn liar. Now when I beg for death, people roll their eyes and dare me to jump knowing that I’m too much of a coward. I’m trapped to this lifetime of never-ending final moments and rotating silence for cries for help that the court of public opinion punishes to the fullest extents of their unspeakable laws .

I will continue to pray for freedom everyday, however it might grace me.
Today I am alive and denied the mercy of Euthenasia by a government which creates/allows the conditions for people like me to need it.

Thank you to the 2 people who expressed genuine compassion and grief. Everyone else please stop disgusting me with your selfish excuses for care over my situation, and take some time to consider how you’ve been groomed to treat marginalized people like they are abusing you with their public suffering and outcry.

That I can’t say what is happening to me aloud without risk of incarceration and backlash tells of horrifying truths about our culture which make it even harder and riskier to suffer.”

-X knew what people would find easier to believe than the truth, but she couldn’t seem to stop talking. It was like a Cassandra complex horror, only it was about the present and past. Her future forecasts were mere mathematical projections.